The Five Stages of Grief
by NerdyGerl
Summary: Can you mourn something that was never truly yours to begin with?  What was Rick's summer like without Beckett?  And how does he recover from it?


Disclaimer: Something about Castle and how I don't own it.

Author's Note: I'm still reeling from Rise. What a great hour of television. I wanted to write something about Castle and Beckett's months apart. How do they deal with the emotional trauma from Knockout. I tried to fill in the gap of the summer, and this is the story that emerged.

This story contains spoilers for Rise and spoilers from Heat Rises. I haven't read the entire book, but I read the dedication, ending and acknowledgements. So fair warning.

The Five Stages of Grief

Castle isn't sure what to expect when he walks into Beckett's hospital room after he got the call that she was awake. He has hopes. High hopes. Of course he would always be grateful that he was able to have hopes at all. She had survived, she was awake. Anything else is really too much to ask for, but he's asking for it anyway.

Of course the problem with being a writer is that his imagination tends to run away with him. And the trouble with hope is that it can lead to disappointment. And despite the fact that she is wonderfully alive, Josh is still at her side. Despite the fact that she can still smile, she is still broken.

She doesn't remember the shooting. She doesn't remember what he had told her. She doesn't want to remember. But worst of all, she doesn't want to see him. Not today, and not tomorrow. Still, he respects her wishes, plasters a smile onto his face, and tries to hold his head high as he exits the room. He wonders if you can mourn the loss of something that was never truly yours to begin with.

His head falls the moment he walks out of the room, an expression so stunned that the uniforms guarding his detective actually react. He doesn't even notice as he brushes past the men and exits the hospital. He hadn't had expectations, but he'd had hopes and they were just dashed. The rational side of his brain tries to calm him down. Josh had just helped save her life. They had been a couple for months. Even if she had remembered Castle's words, his true feelings, even if she reciprocated them, she would have to break Dr. Motorcycle Boy's heart. And how could she break the heart of the man who just helped sew hers back together?

Still, the rational side of his brain won't turn off. He wants to rush back to her side, hold her hand, be the one to whisper sweet nothings in her ear. He wants to bring her a bouquet of flowers everyday that she is stuck in a hospital bed. He wants to take her back to his loft and keep his eye on her as she finishes her recovery. He wants to take her to the Hamptons, give her a safe place to relax. He curses himself again. He needs to stop hoping, he needs to grow up.

He waits by his phone for her call. He obsessively leaves it on its charger, not wanting to run out of power when she does finally call. He rehearses the conversations they could have in his head. He'll be calm, he'll back off, he'll just be her friend, her partner if that's all she can give right now. He won't scare her, and he won't push her away. He'll wait until she's ready, until she's free, until she wants to talk about that day. He'll do everything better this time. He'll do everything right.

But she doesn't call. She doesn't text, she doesn't leave any messages. He sits in his office or at the precinct staring at the phone in disbelief. She said that she needed a few days, and even after a full week, he can't believe that she isn't actually going to call.

He decides to distract himself while he waits. He spends his days with the boys, trying to solve the case. And he spends his nights in his office and writes, obsessively. The cover art and advertisements may be done, but the book isn't yet locked down. After everything with Montgomery, Heat Rises takes a different turn. He'd had a conspiracy plot planned from the beginning, but it now takes a life of its own, drawing on parallels from his life at the 12th. He sacrifices his own paper doppelganger, unable to see Nikki lying in a bed, when Beckett is likely still lying in hers. His mother and daughter keep him in coffee, and attempt to get him to eat and sleep. He survives on snacks and cat-naps as he compulsively finishes his book.

Soon, there is nothing left to write but the acknowledgements and the dedication. It's always been the last thing that he writes. He had planned a dedication to Beckett, something meaningful. Just a few weeks ago, he hoped that he could put in something more direct about his feelings for her, as if his books weren't already love-letters. But it isn't possible now.

Still, he surprises himself when the words that he types aren't of the extraordinary KB, but of their fallen Captain. It's fitting with the story's progression, the book's ending, and real life, but it surprises him. Though, he once again hopes that it will show Kate that he is always on her side. He still believes that Roy Montgomery is a hero, and as Roy stood for Beckett, Castle still stands for her as well.

He can't stop himself when he writes the acknowledgements. He can't help thinking that she will call soon, that she will show up on his doorstep. That she will tell him that she remembers his words. And if she remembers, he wants her to know that he meant those words. And so he slips in a subtle reminder. She makes the songs make sense. Someday she will see those words, and he hopes that she will know what they mean.

Alexis gives the final draft a read through before he sends it off the manuscript. He hears her crying in her room at the ending. She tells him that it's one of his best books ever, but she doesn't expand upon those thoughts. And Castle can't help but notice that instead of red ink, there are tear stains on the pages. And as she hands him back the book, she hugs him tightly, unable to let go for a long time.

He sends the book to Gina, and the publishers are thrilled, although concerned about where Castle is going to go with what could be the final volume of the Nikki Heat series. But he's their cash cow, and he's come through worse. He once survived killing off his most popular character to come back with an even more popular series. They put their trust in him and expedite the printing process.

And still Kate hasn't called. He shifts from disbelief and denial to anger. Who does she think she is to not call? He doesn't talk about the issue with the boys, they just focus on the case. He doesn't mention anything to his family, and they have enough tact to not push him. And now he spends his nights playing with his phone. He scrolls through pictures that he has collected over the years. He doesn't have many, she always seemed to know when he was trying to sneak a picture of her, but he has a few.

In the photos she looks beautiful and powerful, and his frustration grows. One night, he throws his phone, not caring what it hits, what items fall in its path. Dammit, he just wants to know that she is OK, that she is on her way back to being that powerful detective who won't take anything from anybody. She's never truly been his, but he just wants her back.

He reluctantly chases after his tossed phone. It has survived its flight with a cracked screen, but he doesn't care. It's just a phone. He considers breaking his promise and calling her, to get answers from her. He wants to see her, to talk to her, to tell her about the case, to ask her how she is dealing with Montgomery's death, how her life is moving on after yet more tragedy. He wants to know if anything from the shooting has come back to her. His hand hovers over her contact information, but he never presses the call button. He respects her wishes, even as it continues to tear him apart.

Eventually, Castle's anger at Beckett for staying away shifts to the man who holds the strings. Leads fall apart, dry up, disappear completely. His frustration grows with the case. He blames the mastermind who has ruined so many lives. He curses the men that have given into greed and have committed unspeakable acts for nothing more than money. A few more objects in his household end up in the garbage can.

And she still doesn't call him. He doesn't ask God or the Universe to make her call him. He's already used up all his favors with the universe with her survival. He continues to stare at his cracked cell phone, begging for it to ring. It rings, and beeps and buzzes, but it's never the person he most wants to hear from. He bargains with his cell phone, he promises a new screen as long as her name appears in front of him. He promises immediate Angry Birds updates for life if only a text message from her would chime. He'll never throw his phone in a fit of pique again if only... if only she would call.

It doesn't matter what he promises, the phone can do nothing to help. It's just plastic and bits of metal anyway. And the phone can do nothing when Victoria Gates is made the permanent captain at the precinct. She wastes no time in kicking him off of the case, and out of the building. Castle has to tell Ryan and Esposito to stand down when it seems as if their jobs will be threatened by their defense of him.

He appreciates their solidarity more than he can say, but he won't let them lose even more on his behalf. Without Beckett there, he doesn't really have a reason to stay.

Defeated, he takes his daughter and his mother and slinks off to the Hamptons for a few weeks, but the charm of the seaside abode quickly fades. When even Martha can't work up the enthusiasm for the glitz and glamor that she has become accustomed too, they drag themselves back home.

Castle flounders alone. He's between books, and without inspiration. He can't go back to the precinct, and he's still keeping his distance from Ryan and Esposito. He doesn't know what to say to them anyway.

The launch for Heat Rises quickly approaches. He's not in the mood for a large party, he doesn't want flash or excitement. He refuses to go on a book tour, all signings are limited to Manhattan. He doesn't want to go anywhere, he doesn't want to do anything more. And he won't budge. Gina bristles, but accepts his demands, allowing a softer launch and hopefully word of mouth and reputation to sell the books.

Paula practically kicks him in the shins at his subdued late summer party for Heat Rises. She tells him that his attitude is doing nothing to sell his books. He just nods and plasters on what barely passes for a charming smile. She can see right through him, hands him a vodka tonic and pushes him toward the podium where he is supposed to do a short reading. He can barely muster any enthusiasm for it, although he puts on a brave face and starts at the beginning. Only those who know Castle best are able to catch the hitch in his voice when he first says Nikki's name.

He stands in front of the crowd and reads the passage. He lacks his typical flamboyance and his eyes scan the crowd. The boys are there in the back and hold up a beer for encouragement. He keeps hoping that he will see her face in the group. That she will have somehow heard of the gathering and would have come to get her copy of the book and finally say something.

The reading comes to a close, and she never arrives. There's no fancy dress, no high heels, no dazzling jewelry. Nothing. The boys offer a quick congratulations, take their complimentary copies of the novel and head out. As they depart, they promise some Madden in the near future, but Castle isn't sure if they really mean it. Without Beckett, the whole team is falling apart.

A silver lining emerges in Castle's dark clouds. Sales are good, better then good. Castle can't help but feel proud of the reviews. And even if there are bad ones out there, his mother refrains from digging them up. Paula and Gina both perk up and start talking about the fourth book. And one night, an idea pops into his head, about how to conclude the series. He's not ready for it to end, but it looks like an ending is what he will write next.

And as he's outlining the next Nikki Heat saga, another idea pops into his head. An idea about the case. Beckett's case. He calls the boys and invites them over. He gives his first true smile in months. He's chipper as he meets the boys, tells them his idea. They are nervous even as they follow his story, encourage the investigation.

Gates has closed the case, and she's watching them closely. Castle's enthusiasm fades a bit. He's on his own, but he won't give up. He will solve this case. He will do it for her, because even if she hasn't called, even if she is still with Josh, Castle still loves her. She's the one who makes the songs make sense, and he's still a writer. He can still imagine a happy ending for her and for himself. He can't stop himself.

He goes home and sets up his own murder board. A flick of the button and a loosely plotted book disappears and a blank screen emerges. Hours later and there is a new board in front of him, everything that he knows about Beckett's case is on the monitor. Everything is laid out in front of him. He can see it clearly even when he closes his eyes. Satisfied with the work that he has done and a game plan for the the lead he wants to chase down, Castle lets himself sleep. It's the first decent night's rest that he's had in months.

He wakes up refreshed, the bags under his eyes diminishing. He feels hope again for the first time in weeks. Alexis and Martha smile when they see his improved demeanor, hoping that their Richard Castle is coming back to them. He even calls Paula and tells her to book a few more signings in the area. She jumps at the chance and soon his schedule is filling up.

He's practically buoyant for a week. But the phone still doesn't ring, and the lead goes nowhere. He bounces back to earlier that summer, flipping between angry and depressed. The excitement he'd mustered for the book slips between his fingers. He puts on a brave face for his fans, and signs his name until his hand cramps. He powers through the meet and greets, the smile etched onto his face, but not reaching his eyes.

And then she is there, standing in front of him, when he least expects it, because he's finally stopped expecting it. A shiny copy of his book being thrust into his hands, and there is nothing he can do to stop it. She looks the same, and yet totally different. She's still beautiful, but the haunted look that he's often seen in her eyes is deeper, more set.

He'd give anything to make that look disappear, even as anger flairs in his heart again. After all of this time, she picks now to show up? He tries to ignore her, to walk past her, but she won't let him go. And now that he's seen her again, he can't let her go either. He'd tried, albeit not very hard, but he'd tried to let her go, to move on. It's a failed experiment. He can accept that.

He follows her to a playground, not quite sure why his feet force him to chase after her. But they sit together and they talk. They talk, and he learns two important things. First, she has walls, walls that he can breach if he can help solve her mother's case. Second, she wants him back as her partner. It isn't what he expected, but it's enough.

He's mourned for something that he never quite had, but now it's a possibility. A distant possibility, but it's there. Her walls won't be there forever, and he will help to tear them down, brick by brick.

His writer's heart once again begins work on a happy ending. And hope stirs inside his chest once more.


End file.
